Edge of Tomorrow

I am not a fan of Tom Cruise.  I used to like him in the Top Gun and the first Mission:Impossible era, but now his personal life and political/religious beliefs have loomed so large as to overshadow any character he might play.  So whenever I see a preview of a movie starring Tom Cruise, I generally automatically dismiss it as unwatchable, no matter how interesting the rest of the story may be.  However in this instance, I chose to watch this movie simply because I’m such a massive fan of Emily Blunt.  Because she was starring, I felt the presence of Cruise would be an annoyance, but not an insurmountable one.  Thus, I rented Edge of Tomorrow.

It wasn’t everything I thought it would be.  It’s what you might get if you combined Groundhog Day with Starship Troopers.  The script blatantly rips off the movie Mimic by calling the aliens Mimics, which I felt was a poor descriptive name for them.  But then, the script had a lot of flaws.  The beginning is very confusing, with Tom Cruise‘s character Cage waltzing about either impersonating a superior officer or actually being said superior officer.  It’s never clear exactly who he is, but he winds up being shipped off to the front lines to die.  No clue as to why.  The attack on the aliens goes poorly and courtesy of being slimed by a special alien, Cage is doomed to repeat it over and over, constantly re-setting whenever he dies.  Emily Blunt‘s character Rita observes him in action and discerns what is happening to him, as the same thing happened to her before.  She fills him in on her experience, dropping the information bomb that the aliens can control time and thus always know what’s going to happen in advance.  She never reported this to anyone else is because A) they’d think she was crazy and lock her up, or B) believe her and dissect her.  Fair enough, I wouldn’t want to be dissected either.  Rita begins training Cage (cue the montage) and together they set out to find and kill the ‘Omega’ alien that is responsible for time loop.

The opening sequence of the film makes you think somebody in the projector room must have accidentally done something to really mess things up, as the image skips all over the place with lots of static.  The end of the film had a kind of Prince of Persia twist to it, but as a whole I felt it was lacking substance.  Groundhog Day was a story of personal discovery and romance, but Edge of Tomorrow has no time for things like character development and instead relies heavily on CGI, special effects and action sequences.  If that’s all that interests you, but you’ll probably love the movie, but after numerous iterations of the tagline Live, Die, Repeat, I grew quite bored with the proceedings.  Every time things reset, you get to hear a rather pompous Master Sergeant expounding on the virtues of combat in a speech you come to absolutely despise. There’s a smattering of decent lines and the plot is as least nominally interesting, but in general I was disappointed.  It’s not terrible, but not good enough to earn it more than an apathetic two stars. – BETHANY

For more on this curiously titled film, visit the Internet Movie Database

Emily Blunt‘s Rita has literally become the poster child for the war effort.  She also has the unfortunate and rather offensive nickname ‘Full Metal Bitch’.  I do at least appreciate the nod to World War II era propaganda.

Meet a Mimic.  What they’re mimicking is unclear, but I’ve gotta say I’m getting really sick of movies that feel like video games.  This is even a first person shooter shot!

Get ready for lots and lots of scenes like this.

Really. a lot of them.

     And now for something completely the same …

Master Sergeant Farrell (Bill Paxton):  “Battle is the Great Redeemer. It is the fiery crucible in which true heroes are forged. The one place where all men truly share the same rank, regardless of what kind of parasitic scum they were going in.”

Fighting to get off a beach in France – hey, this sounds a lot like Saving Private Ryan.

Rita does yoga. (Emily Blunt).

She does it very well.

Look out, it’s an irradiated octopus!

Cage shucking his fancy battle suit.  At least they’re no longer on the beach.

                                                         By his own admission, Master Sergeant Farrell is not an American, he’s from Kentucky.  This is pretty weak as jokes go, and a sad commentary on the American educational system.  Evidently Farrell flunked Geography.

This guy is definitely toast.  Repeatedly.  (Tony Way)

‘Let’s have coffee’.                                                                                                                “And then I’m killing you.”                                                                                            “Fine.”

Why is it always tachyons?

 

 

Photos courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures, Village Roadshow Pictures, RatPac-Dune Entertainment, 3 Arts Entertainment, Viz Productions, LLC), Province of British Columbia Production Services Tax Credit and Dune Entertainment (unless otherwise credited in clickable form)

47 Ronin

Disclaimer: I am totally unfamiliar with the true story upon which this movie is based and make no claims to be an aficionado of Japanese cinema or culture. Therefore, this review is totally objective and focuses solely on the merits of the film itself. I absolutely loved this gorgeous and deeply moving tale spiked with fantasy from Feudal Japan, an intrinsically formal society steeped in tradition and protocol, where every movement had specific meaning and honor was paramount. From a purely artistic perspective, the film is visually stunning with amazing cinematography, spectacular costumes and tremendously well done fantasy elements, as well as rather clever and subtle use of light and shadow. Keanu Reeves is excellent as a stoic outcast (at no point does he say “Whoa” or “Dude”), and the rest of the ensemble cast deliver marvelous performances.  The Shogun is dignified and powerful (even though he always looks as though he is sucking on lemons) and the Witch is deliciously creepy while frequently looking slightly disheveled, a great contrast to the other characters that are always scrupulously neat. Lord Kira is unbearably smug, making this quest for righteous vengeance all the more satisfying. “A man may not live under the same heaven as the murderer of his lord.” This is the story of good men and women willing to do whatever is necessary to avenge a great injustice, no matter what it costs them. Warning, for those of you who suffer from arachnophobia, there is a disturbing sequence beginning at precisely 28:14, but it isn’t very long. Thrilling and engrossing, with little sprinkles of humor, a few well-crafted scares and precise choreographed action throughout, I thoroughly enjoyed this movie. It is heartfelt, poignant, philosophical, romantic and utterly spellbinding. – BETHANY

For more on this version of 47 Ronin, visit the Internet Movie Database

 

A David and Goliath moment.

The Shogun comes to visit, accompanied by Lord Kira.

See what I mean about him looking like he’s sucking on a lemon?  Shogun Tsunayoshi (Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa).

Terrible beasts attacking the kingdom!  Cool CGI, I’ve gotta say.

Kai (Keanu Reeves) and Ôishi (Hiroyuki Sanada).

        Lord Kira (Tadanobu Asano).  So self-satisfied and arrogant, you just want to bash him!

                                     An illicit romance between Kai (Keanu Reeves) and Lord Asano’s daughter Mika (Kô Shibasaki).

      Lord Asano (Min Tanaka), a good man, if not the best father.

Mika being forced to wed pompous Lord Kira.  Would congratulations or condolences by more appropriate?

The witch (Rinko Kikuchi) pays a little visit to Mika.  Any chance she just wants some girl talk?

              The disgraced Ronin.

Oh, but they’re not done.  Sign here and vengeance shall be ours!

Dutch Island.

Going in search of a myth and also supplying the obligatory quest formation shot with all the horses in a row.

There really is some fabulous scenery in this movie.

Huh, legendary supernatural fighting monks have bird eyes.  Who knew?   The suspension of disbelief necessary for this movie is in its own category.

And here are a few creatures that look like that escaped from Pandora. Neytiri, you might want to come get this lot.

 

That’s it, wrap it all up in white and use words like tradition and honor and that makes it all OK.  The cherry trees are a nice touch.

 

 

Photos courtesy of H2F Entertainment, Mid Atlantic Films, Moving Picture Company, Stuber Productions and Universal Pictures

Bitten

Don’t be fooled by the Horror classification; this is a paranormal noir type drama, not a freak fest. It’s a very adult story of a pack of werewolves that includes the only female werewolf in existence. Well played by Laura Vandervoort (who is not coincidentally very easy on the eyes), she’s conflicted about her werewolfitude (not a real word, but it works, doesn’t it?) and seeks a normal life. Why she would look for it in Toronto beats me, but she tries to carry on a relationship with a very nice guy whom she has to lie to on a regular basis, which as we all know is the basis of a great romance. (Sorry, my cynicism was showing) Thus far, werewolves are the only supernaturals in the narrative, which is a welcome respite from other shows that seem to be populated with just about every supernatural being, provided they are aesthetically pleasing.  Season two introduces witches, but since the show is based on book series Women of the Otherworld, this is not terribly shocking.

Bitten is an interesting and compelling look at a secret world that is taken seriously by the writers, who delve in detail into how such an underground society might work. The mythology here is different than other werewolf stuff out there, so don’t expect it to play by your rules. Complex relationships and back stories, with more than a splash (say, a bucketful) of murder and suspense make this show truly addictive. I’ve become invested in what happens to the characters and I really have no idea where the story might go. A cool, sexy show that seems very real, once you’ve clicked on your suspension of disbelief switch. Characters act in accordance with their established personalities, which means the drama isn’t manufactured just to create interest. Worth watching if only to see Stonehaven, the ancestral home of this pack of wolves that hides many, many secrets. – BETHANY

For more on Bitten, visit:  The Internet Movie Database

         The werewolf effects might not be the best but …

Click here to tour Stonehaven, the werewolf lodge

There are some seriously hot guys on this show.  Nick Sorrentino (Steve Lund)  Logan Jonsen (Michael Xavier) and Clayton Danvers (Greystone Holt).

Lest you think she’s just a pretty face, Laura Vandervoort (Elena Michaels) has a second degree karate black belt and does many of her own stunts.

That girl is seriously ripped!

            Nick and Antonio Sorrentino (Paulino Nunes), with a conveniently displayed headline.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by J.B. Sugar (@jotabey)

 

Why do bad guys always hang out at scuzzy motels?

Pack Alpha Jeremy Danvers (Greg Bryk) favors button down shirts and vests.  Somebody has to keep it classy!  Note the wolf totem in the background.

Logan’s girlfriend Rachel Sutton (Genelle Williams) does NOT own a Bed and Breakfast in Bear Valley.  This joke is aimed solely at fans of Warehouse 13.

(This set of images found on Pinterest)

         Clay is a professor of anthropology but his job is never mentioned again after the introduction.  Maybe the university fired him for biting attractive co-eds.

 

Photos courtesy of Entertainment One, Hoodwink Entertainment, No Equal Entertainment, Space and Syfy

Pitch Black

Scrumptiously scary with a well crafted story, this movie was just plain fun. It combines horror and science fiction, similar in tone to the Alien movies (not surprising, as it was developed from the director’s unused idea for Alien³ ).  A transport vessel gets tagged by a convenient comet, forcing it to crash land on an unknown and probably hostile planet.  There’s an interesting mix of survivors, some settlers originally bound for distant worlds, wealthy merchants moving valuable goods, mercenaries, members of the ship’s crew and even a stowaway,  but the most critical is remorseless killer and all around criminal, Riddick, who is missing from his cryostasis pod.  Now the characters have to not only endure the planet, which has its own hidden dangers, but also cope with a psychopath on the loose.

Riddick is tremendous, an anti-hero in every sense, and I have no idea why Vin Diesel has been bashed by the critics for his acting. I thought he brought a lot of dimension to a complicated character that really defies a pat categorization. It was also a treat to see Claudia Black, as I’m a huge fan of Farscape and Stargate SG-1.  I expected Pitch Black to be nothing more than somewhat mindless action and gratuitous horror, but what I got was an intense story of survival against incredible odds. It is rated R for a reason, with quite a bit of violence and some truly appalling language but there’s more to it than that.  I loved the interesting array of characters whose personalities were actually quite well rounded, keeping me invested in the fates of each individual. The story is not all that complicated but it does have value as an entertaining thriller. Also, the CG effects of the oncoming eclipse and the rise of a ringed planet are truly spectacular. A very satisfying adventure that is definitely worth seeing on its own merits but also because it is the first of a trilogy.  Just don’t plan on sleeping alone after watching this! – BETHANY

For more on this movie, visit:  Pitch Black IMDB

Riddick’s “shine job” eyes, courtesy of a doctor in “a slam, where they tell you you’ll never see daylight again.”

Jack, “the winner of the look alike contest.”

Abu ‘Imam’ al-Walid (Keith David) and Carolyn Fry (Radha Mitchell), the ship’s pilot.

William J. Johns (Cole Hauser) – “Murders aside, Riddick belongs in the a**hole hall of fame. He loves to jaw-jack and he loves to make you feel afraid because that’s all he has, and you’re playing right into it.”

                “Amazing how you can do without the essentials of life, so long as you have the little luxuries.” – Paris P. Ogilvie (Lewis Fitz-Gerald)

“Strong survival instinct. I admire that in a woman.”

                                  Claudia Black as Shazza.

    “All you people are so scared of me. Most days I’d take that as a compliment. But it ain’t me you gotta worry about now.”  – Riddick  (Vin Diesel)

                                Great scenery on this planet. “What could have killed so many great things?”  –  Wild guess, the things Riddick says you need to worry about.

Huh, this could be a problem.

Definitely a problem.  (But a gorgeous shot!)

 

 

Photos courtesy of Polygram Filmed Entertainment, Interscope Communications and Universal Pictures

                                                    (yelobrd777.com)

Veritas, Prince of Truth

Oh dear, this is not good, just not good at all. With a trite and very simplistic (and unoriginal) plot, zero character development and underwhelming dialogue, this film definitely did not appeal to me. It was super corny and cheesy which was disappointing, as I really like Sean Patrick Flannery as an actor, most well known for The Adventures of Young Indiana Jones, the Boondock Saints movies, a stint on Stargate SG-1, playing Greg Stillson on The Dead Zone  and playing King Arthur in the TV movie Guinevere. The idea of having a super hero from a comic come to our world isn’t terrible on its own, but there seemed to be some glaring character inconsistencies with Veritas. He wobbles back and forth between noble warrior and dopey man-child with ADD, doing totally clueless things that made absolutely no sense and in general acting either like an idiot child or a stalwart hero getting down to business.  It undermined his credibility and I found it less than endearing. Kate Walsh was a bit ridiculous, playing possibly the most one-dimensional villain of all time, Nemesii, who’s the antagonist because of her name, she’s green and her eye’s glow.

I can see there is some value in this movie’s message about the importance of truth (which this world has in short supply), but the whole thing seemed geared more towards an audience of ten year old boys. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing but it does mean that I found very little of this movie to be enjoyable. It was fun seeing a very young Tyler Posey who even at this age can still act quite well.  Movies for children do not need to be this clichéd or inane. This one failed to have any weight or depth to the story and I never became emotionally invested in any of the characters. Such a pity, because I really wanted to like this movie. There just wasn’t anything of substance there for me, just asinine banal scenes after scenes  Veritas, Prince of Truth makes an old episode of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys  (a show I absolutely loved for its cheesy heroics) look like Emmy award-winning drama in comparison. – BETHANY

For more on this movie, visit: Veritas, Prince of Truth IMDB

     Amy Jo Johnson as Marty Williams with Tyler Posey as Mouse and Bret Loehr as Kern Williams.  No word on the parrot’s name, but it’s an Amazon of some sort.

        Mouse ( Tyler Posey) grouses with Kern (no relation to Worf, unfortunately, Bret Loehr).

A little hocus pocus with Mouse, Kern and Marty (Amy Jo Johnson).

                    Veritas himself appears, played by ( Sean Patrick Flanery).

                                                                          Not exactly inconspicuous, what with the wings and the glowing eyes when someone says a lie.  Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

                    Makeover!

                                                Nobody would ever recognize you now, Bret Michaels, er, Veritas!

           Just one of the guys.

                                                                           He’s handy to have around when a racehorse needs help.

Pictured on far right: Raymond (Danny Strong from Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

‘Real life isn’t at all what I expected’ cliché.

                              *sigh*

      Nemesii, not coincidentally wearing green.

                                                 Nemesii vs. Veritas

Nemesii goes full on comic mode (Kate Walsh)

Trailer for Veritas, Prince of Truth:

 

Kate Walsh’s bits as Nemesii (no spoilers):

 

Photos courtesy of La Panza Producciones, Twelfth Night Entertainment, Vivendi Entertainment and Lightyear Entertainment

Dragonslayer

According to IMDB.com, Peter MacNicol is so embarrassed by this movie that he doesn’t include it in his CV, and I can certainly see why. Exceedingly silly with a strangely disjointed style of narrative, I really did not care for this film and I especially did not care for Peter MacNicol in it. He’s much better at playing quirky characters rather than a leading man role and can I just say whoever did his makeup throughout this film should be shot. With costumes and hilarious wigs that appeared to be left over from an old Errol Flynn movie, this has the dubious honor of being the first and hopefully only time a Disney movie includes full frontal male nudity (the shot whizzes by, thankfully, but it is there).  In addition, it also flouts a lot of tacit expectations the viewer might have upon seeing the Disney label, so exercise caution with children (see tags).  The script borrows heavily from Greek mythology (Perseus & Andromeda) and medieval Christian legend (St. George) with cheesy puppets, green screens galore and quite a few unnecessary ewwwww moments. That’s par for the course with a lower budget film from the 80s, but this movie’s real cardinal sin was not making the characters likeable. I actually found myself rooting for the dragon, who by the way is named Vermithrax Pejorative -how awesome is that?! Caitlin Clarke’s character vacillated back and forth between strong courageous heroine and damsel in distress and she chose some really bad moments to wuss out on Galen. There are some movies that are so cheesy they’re great, but this isn’t one of them. The only bright spot in the whole thing was Ralph Richardson’s performance as Ulrich, which reminded me very strongly of Pete Postlethwaite. I did see a few things that made me suspect George R. R. Martin, author of the Game of Thrones book series, was perhaps influenced by this movie as it features dragons, ravens, a character named Valeria and another named Tyrian.  That connection was vaguely interesting, but overall I just flat out didn’t like it and wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. Eminently forgettable and I believe I’ll start forgetting it right now. – BETHANY

For more on people who probably now deeply regrets being part of this film, visit: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082288/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Vermithrax Pejorative in the flesh (or at least a hand puppet).

Typical dragon cliché.

Galen (Peter MacNicol) and the wizard Ulrich of Craggenmoor (Ralph Richardson).

Galen and the spear Sicarious Dracorum.

Brother Jacopus (Ian McDiarmid) chooses, perhaps unwisely, to denounce the dragon as the devil.

King Casiodorus (a real dirtbag) is rude to Galen.

  Elspeth, Princess of Urland (Chloe Salaman).

                         Virgin sacrifice cliché.

Filmed in Wales, Dragonslayer does at least have some nice locations going for it.

        Galen tries to step up.

                                   Baby dragons eating a virgin sacrifice.  (Told you this wasn’t suitable for children …)

                                                                             John Hallam playing Tyrian.  Nice wig, dude.  At least, I really hope it’s a wig and not his real hair.

        Caitlin Clarke as Valerian.  (Look out, he might put you to sleep)

Is that a bucket Galen’s carrying on the great and noble spear?  Maybe it’s a helmet.  Either way, he looks like a wizard hobo.  (To nobody’s surprise, Valerian is actually Valeria.)

The trailer for this sub par dragon movie:

Photos courtesy of Paramount Pictures and Walt Disney Productions

Primeval

Ridiculous fun, I discovered this sci-fi adventure show on this site and proceeded to binge watch all five seasons. The premise is simple, with “anomalies” opening up around England, serving as doorways to Earth both past and future. But the long-term ramifications are incredibly complex, making this about much more than dinosaurs causing mayhem in the modern world. Brilliantly creative while also being quietly educational, I absolutely fell in love with the show and its oddball array of characters. Funny, clever, thought-provoking and incredibly entertaining, every episode was a must-not-miss thrill ride, beautifully balancing the “anomaly of the week” with long story arcs that slowly develop over time. Characters come and go, often in gut-wrenching ways, but everything feels organic rather than done just for shock value. Gorgeous special effects and imaginative creatures underpinned by solid science, the show was also incredibly funny in that dry British way I love so much. I’ve got to acknowledge an underrated actor (Ben Miller) playing the often-overlooked character of James Lester, admittedly a bit of a stuffed shirt bureaucrat who’d pretty much rather die than let you know he cares, but who also exemplifies the quintessential unflappable Brit in a natty suit, always quick with a scathing witticism delivered with impeccable timing. My only complaint is that there weren’t more seasons (there were at least five though), but hopefully the continuing popularity of the original Primeval online will spark the interest of another network.  There was a short lived Canadian version entitled Primeval: New World, but it didn’t hold a candle to this one and was cancelled quickly.  – BETHANY

To help sort out the characters, actors and various whatnots comprising this show, consult IMDB:  http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0808096/?ref_=nv_sr_1                                                                                                                     and this rather brilliant Wiki site:  http://primeval.wikia.com/wiki/Main_Page

Behold an anomaly, which looks much cooler in the show, as all the glass-like shards spin.  Two things NOT to do with anomalies.  #1 If one of these opens up in your London flat and you don’t know what it is, maybe don’t go through it?

And #2  Don’t get between a huge dinosaur and the anomaly, which is its way home.  It never turns out well.

           Abby Maitland (Hannah Spearritt) and Rex, a coelurosauravus who didn’t want to go back to his Permian home.

                           Abby, Connor Temple (Andrew Lee Potts) and a rambunctious pair of Diictodons named Sid and Nancy.

                               Why, hello Mr. Giganotosaurus.  Is this your piece of the tarmac?  Then I’ll be moving along then.  Immediately.

                 Stephen Hart (James Murray) and a Gorgonopsid.  Note the amusing juxtaposition between the horrific creature and the cutesy mural behind it.

                        Terror birds take on Danny Quinn (Jason Flemyng).  Don’t worry, they’ll wish they hadn’t.

                                      A medieval knight (Tony Curran) slaying a Dracorex, which naturally must needs be a dragon.  The poor thing is a gentle herbivore, but when it looks like that, how was he to know?

Velociraptors show up in a thankfully closed for the night mall when an anomaly opens in a bowling alley.

A Smilodon roams around an amusement park.  What could possibly go wrong?

                             Yup, these things happened.  I won’t even bother telling you what they are because it is unimportant.  How the people working in the office building reacted was the fun part.

A Columbian Mammoth loose on the M25 motorway.

James Lester (Ben Miller), a representative of the Home Office, a ministerial department of the government that handles threats, among other things.

Abby, Connor, Professor Nick Cutter (Douglas Henshall) and Stephen, facing aquatic mammals from the future.

Lady Emily Merchant (Ruth Bradley) and excessively nasty husband, Lord Merchant (Stephen Hogan).  When an anomaly opens up to Victorian London, the team discusses whether to lock it for security purposes.  Connor speaks up, inquiring what they think will come through, “Oliver Twist-osaurus”?

Photos courtesy of ITV Studios, ProSieben, Impossible Pictures, Treasure Entertainment, M6 Films, Watch and BBC Worldwide

Dinosaur Revolution

Bad To The Bone – their tag line, not mine

This is the sort of thing you’d get if the makers of all those Land Before Time movies decided to make a “live” dinosaur miniseries. I’ve got nothing against animation in general and quite enjoy it, but this purports to be a scientific film based on real academics. Walking with Dinosaurs (The BBC show, not the terrible 2013 movie) was amazing and it did well balancing known paleontological facts with valid extrapolation. This one seemed to be largely composed of speculation and the little stories were highly sentimental. Someone (it was an anonymous post, so I don’t know who) said it was dinosaurs being Disney-fied, and while I don’t totally agree (Disney would never have a headless corpse running around before comically collapsing), I get their drift. All the CGI dinosaurs have been grossly anthropomorphized, giving them human emotions and personalities as well as adorable faces and eyes. Some of it felt as though it’d been written as a slapstick comedy routine and there was a lot of moralizing totally inappropriate for a serious documentary-style feature. For example, a predator learning his lesson about being nice to others, then having the point rammed home by a little friend coming to his rescue when he needed help.  Next, former enemies declaring a truce because the one-time aggressor saved the other dinosaur’s baby. The CGI wasn’t great but I could have forgiven that. This was just so relentlessly cutesy with little substance to back it up and that I cannot abide. – BETHANY

                              The watering hole bully and his little avian friend.Isn’t he just the sweetest little killing machine?

Dinosaur Singing Competitions

Aw, a big dinosaur looking placidly on as little adorable proto-mammals make their escape.

                           Egad, did you see that ridiculous dinosaur pictured below me that looks like a box of crayons exploded all over its animation cell?

It’s unwise to wake up this incredibly grumpy guy.

  Oh Mama Scary Killing Machine, I just wuv you!

Photos courtesy of Creative Differences, Mokko, Sauce FX, Hawaii Animation Studios, Kinkajou, Discovery Channel and Science Channel

She Creature

An unconventional mermaid movie to say the least, this is about as far from Ariel as you can get. It’s a horror film starring a mermaid as well as being a gothic psychological thriller period piece. Carla Gugino plays Lily, a beautiful sideshow performer who specializes in being a mermaid, with Rufus Sewell as Angus, the carnival barker. Lily’s act attracts the attention of an old sea captain who happens to have a real live mermaid in a tank at home (who doesn’t?). Angus, floored by encountering the genuine article, immediately sees dollar signs and makes off with the mermaid, and he and Lily board a ship bound for America. Then, in the best traditions of B-movies, things start to go horribly wrong. Gifford sums it up beautifully when he confronts Angus. “You told me, ‘Let’s take a mermaid to America, get rich and famous.’ Not ‘Let’s steal the Queen of the What’s-It, what turns into a monster and eats people.’ I think I would’ve remembered the difference!” IMDB.com lists this as “Mermaid Chronicles: Part 1” (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0274659/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1) which implies there will be a part 2, but alas, it never got made. This is not great cinema but it does have a creepy hypnotic quality to it as it subverts all the sweet mermaids from fairy tale canon, turning them into creatures of nightmare. – BETHANY

Carla Gugino’s Lily playing a sideshow “mermaid”.

                                                                      The old sea captain, owner of the mermaid.

Rufus Sewell’s Angus and the real mermaid.  Cha-Ching!

Various shots from the movie

Photos courtesy of Cinemax

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

Peter Jackson, this time you’ve gone too far! His adaptations of Tolkien’s work tend to be a mixed bag. Some of it is absolutely magnificent, occasionally even better than what I’d pictured in my head, but there’s also some mangling of the original narrative and worse, adding things that weren’t there to begin with for a good reason. I wish people would accord J.R.R. Tolkien the same honor as Shakespeare and stop tampering with what is already a masterpiece. No one would dream of changing dialogue the Bard himself wrote!  I can understand making cuts for the sake of run time and to speed up the story, but there is no excuse for adding material (e.g. the character of Tauriel). I liked the idea of weaving in some of the behind-the scenes stuff from Tolkien’s other books, but are not part of The Hobbit per se. Since the audience has already presumably seen the other Lord of the Rings movies, it makes sense to capitalize on that and have some fun with what Gandalf was getting up to on his own and letting us meet Radagast, who is only mentioned a few times, once by Gandalf speaking to Beorn in The Hobbit, and referenced twice in The Fellowship of the Ring. But I think the power went to Jackson’s head and he went nuts adding way too much stuff while eliminating or undermining many crucial elements in the story.  For instance, the scene of Bilbo finding his courage walking down the tunnel into the Lonely Mountain knowing there was a dragon at the other end of it is one of my absolute favorites and Jackson completely ruined it.  I love the books and to see The Hobbit trampled in such a way makes me want to scream and cry all at the same time. I won’t bother to enumerate all the ways in which this terrible movie departs from the book (i.e. everything wrong with it) as such a list would be 50 pages long. I wound up yelling and throwing things at the screen, then sank into a resigned semi-comatose state waiting for the horror to stop. It made me physically sick and then righteous anger set in. It makes my blood boil to see such lack of respect for a spectacularly nuanced book that was just perfect the way it was and needed no “improvement”.  The Desolation of Smaug is more The Desecration of Smaug. Peter Jackson, I just lost all respect I might have ever had for you for perpetrating this abomination on the world. How dare you! – BETHANY

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1170358/?ref_=nv_sr_3

The butterflies of Mirkwood (except they were black)

    Now if you only saw this picture and didn’t know what else was going on in the movie, you might think ‘Hey, that looks a lot like I imagined it.’  So maybe just stick with looking at the picture.

Laketown

Since when are their Orcs in The Hobbit?  Goblins, yes.  Orcs, no.

The Woodland Elves’ home in Mirkwood

?!?!?!?!?!?!?  This one image might just represent the sequence I hated most in the film.

Photos courtesy of New Lince Cinema, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, WingNut Films and Warner Bros. Picture